Turn the Lights On

I went to a conference called “Free to be Me” with Jo Naughton. I really had no expectations because I felt as though I were free. I mean Christ had set me free! I am born again, all things past away, and I have been made new. Ordained as a Pastor just a week prior, I had laid my life down, quit my job, started an outreach ministry a year ago. But there was one thing that could break me every time I thought about it or someone spoke about her. …My mom….

I had already done the whole healing process within the world of Christianity, but had never experienced the power of love over the past. Let me explain a bit more. I knew the scriptures, studied them, spoke them out loud over my life, went to many healing conferences, rebuked, cast out, surrendered, I had done it all, but it never took the pain away from remembering her.

The lead speaker, Jo, was amazing, she had a gentle way about her, meek yet strong, as a matter of fact, her whole team carried that same anointing; gentle, meek yet strong. When I sat in the front row and she started talking about mom’s. I thought to myself, “I don’t want to do this.” She made her way in front of me and touched my heart with her hand. I kept my notebook clinched tight between my fingers against my chest, she gently removed it and placed her hand on my heart. Her words, “it was never meant to be that way. She wasn’t suppose to abandon and neglect you.” I wept…. she leaned in, wrapped her arms around me and squeezed tight as if to break the ground of my hardened heart.

As she stood to her feet, and walked away. I could no longer hear the sound of her voice, although I knew she was still speaking. I knew that if I meditated on my mom for too long I would cry. So, I had spent years not thinking of her, because every time I did people would hold me accountable for my pain. So it was just easier to not to.

It was not my intention to have a personal encounter with Jo that day, but it was God's

Half way through the day, I removed myself from the front row and sat in the back, restless, up and down for most of the afternoon, taking notes when compelled to. I had flipped the switch, lights out on a very painful past. So many years I've felt like it's better not to go there. Not to remember the pain and not to remember her. It hurt too much to think of her. I could love her from a safe place, my mom.
After the event, I couldn’t wait to leave. I asked a lead pastor if they needed me anymore or the key to the janitors closet. I had been given the task of opening it for the team to clean up after the conference, but didn’t think they needed it anymore. So, we left. My friend had her own encounter and was so emotional about what had happened to her. She shared, I listened and spoke little, which is rare for me.

We were finishing up our dinner when the phone rang and I was notified we needed to return to the church, I had the only key to the janitors closet. When I shared this with my friend, she said, I knew we would be returning but didn’t know how God would call us back there. Earlier, she had a vision that we would be helping with the clean-up. So she was on board to return with me.

We finished up the fellowship hall and I went to the sanctuary to see what else I could do to help. I stood behind the last row of seats and Jo floated towards me as if on a cloud. Her eyes were gentle and once locked into mine I couldn't look away. I can't remember exactly what she said in those moments, because what she was saying, was actually, playing out like a movie, in my mind.

As she was speaking, I could feel the distant hollow of emotionless-ness veil my heart. When I got close to feeling something, the lights would go out and my eyes would glaze over. But her words would continue, the gentleness of her voice stepping through the concrete walls of my heart reached for the switch and turned them back on. As if she were saying it's okay, open your eyes. The light doesn't hurt, it exposes the truth. And the truth is good.

Overwhelmed at the permission I received to actually “feel” something, anything, The words “SHE LEFT ME, SHE LEFT ME, SHE LEFT ME” escaped from the prison cells within my heart. The very places I refused to look at. I had locked them away and threw away the key.…with my final breath, I said, “SHE LEFT ME AND THEY HURT ME!”

I've spent years trying to teach my children these words, "the truth is always better no matter what the truth is." Even if it hurts, it's better. Even if we're wrong, it's better, because we can perceive the truth but a lie is hidden and we can't do anything about a lie.”

I came home to an empty house which is very rare. My family had packed up to go to Sanibel Island to watch the sunset. There was a part of me that was relieved. I was still overwhelmed by what I had just experienced and I needed some alone time.

I got in the shower and wept. Once again I found myself bent over, the tears like great rivers flowing from my eyes, the dam had broken, the gushing waters screamed from my lips " SHE WAS A GOOD MOM, SHE WAS A GOOD MOM.

I had spent years saying my mom was a good mom, she just had a terrible addiction. I kept repeating those words until they stopped and the truth finally surfaced. As the raging waters calmed, peace came over me, and I accepted the truth. The truth is I wanted a good mom. I wanted her to be a good mom and the real truth is, she hurt me.

This year the Lord's word for me is My Victory His Glory! This is part of that process….

I woke up the following morning with the parable of the wheat and tares and although Jesus unwraps the scripture as meaning individual people at end times. Could I suggest, in my very own parable, the end times represents the end of myself, and my pain.

He is showing me He sent the "harvesters to remove the tares from my heart" I can break this down to make it clearer but its best summarized by something Jo said to me that I'll never forget… She said "whatever space pain takes up inside my heart is a space I cannot love others with" and there it went, the switch forever in the on position, no way to ever turn it back off again.

I asked the Lord how the wheat and tares applies to me, and why would He wake me up with those words. This is what He wrote on my heart….

.... The Lord has sown good seed inside the world of my heart, the enemy came and planted his seed through those who hurt me. The tares grew with the wheat and now that the wheat has bloomed and is ready to produce a crop of its own. It is time, Jesus sent out the Harvesters to remove the tares and burn them up so the crop will produce a hundred fold. The tares represent the memories I locked away in the dark prison cells of my heart, behind concrete walls, with a light switch I’ve guarded my whole life. Jo’s love, her strength and her meekness, stepped through it all, as if they weren't even there, and turned the light back on.

That was enough for me to accept the truth, and do what I’ve never been able to do before. Memories have been surfacing, but more like I’m walking through them, observing, acknowledging, as though acceptance is holding my hand, and pain has no ability to touch me. The truth untangling the lies. My perception being transformed each step of the way.

Something strange but also amazing has happened since the conference….

I usually don't drink soda but my mom's favorite soda was Coca-Cola. It just so happens the family we have staying with us likes Coca-Cola, so I had purchased the mini bottles for them, not really thinking much about it.
A couple of days had passed and one day when I opened the fridge I had a strong desire to drink Coca-Cola. An irrational desire to drink what I never drink. For the next three days, I drank a total of three coca-cola's. It seems insignificant, but it wasn't. The Lord does strange things when He heals the brokenness in our souls.
I didn’t know why I was drinking coke the first day but it felt refreshing instead of sin-filled, the second day it was as if I were embracing my mom for who she was, and the third day I let go. I let go of all the expectations, the unrequited love. In the last sip of the last bottle, I finally laid her to rest. Then the amazing happened, a smile stretched across my face as I looked at the empty bottle in my hand and remembered her hair blowing in the wind at an old gas station in the back hills of North Carolina. The sun was bright and she was happy.

I’ve learned, it's okay to remember, its okay to turn the lights on, to look at the truth, the memories. When we don't turn the lights on, when we refuse, there is a part of us that is stuck there...

I know the days ahead of me, I will embrace whatever the Holy Spirit brings to mind and although it may hurt, there is great healing in the strange of it all, and I will remember my mom with a smile, just like Jo said I would.

Thank you Lord for the healing that comes from vessels like Jo Naughton and her team!

John 8:36 Jesus makes a wonderful statement of victory. He says, “So if the Son sets you free you will be free indeed.”

Bloodline

I wondered today, why the history of our bloodline is so important?

Growing up, I never really associated with my last name. It was some part of me that was unfamiliar and unwanted. I just couldn’t relate to it. It felt like everything that touched me or that I touched was some how tainted, by a past I had no control of.

I couldn’t trust because of the abuse and trauma I had undertaken all of my life. My heart had been shattered. It wasn’t until I came into relationship with Jesus and experienced His healing from the inside out that I was even capable of loving anyone else. Literally, I love because He first loved me. He taught me I had value and worth and for the first time in my life, I truly loved myself which made me capable of loving someone else.

The interesting part was I didn’t know how broken I was. My brokenness had become my normal. It wasn’t until I got married the second time around that I actually loved, for the first time, in a healthy way. I realized I no longer kept my true self hidden behind invisible walls. The brokenness inside of me no longer had the ability to mold every decision I made. I realized I was free, free to be me and that little girl, the one hidden inside of my soul, was finally safe.

Now lets get back to the question at hand. In the scriptures, we can see the lineage of Jesus Christ, the Nazarene, which are known as the “Begats”. As a matter of fact most Christians know Jesus is the bloodline of King David. I use to read the “begats” and wondered why in the world is this so important, it is full of liars, fools, fornicators, adulterers, prostitutes, and even murderers.

I soon realized the connection. Just like I felt tainted by a very broken past, Jesus’ bloodline was tainted from man-kinds brokenness. There are so many people suffering from loss, abuse, abandonment, rejection, and so much more, that fear has crippled their ability to see clearly and the suffering continues. On the other side of that fear is guilt and guilt has the power to keep us in the chains of unhealthy desires, greed, mindsets, or even addiction. The eventuality of this kind of suffering, whether internal or external, will lead to confinement in prisons of self loathing.

Ultimately, we feel so far removed from any kind of salvation and disconnected from anyone who promises to save that Jesus suddenly becomes unattainable and foreign; an inanimate object, invisible to touch, unreachable, and vague. We are so desperate for something tangible that we cling to anything and anyone to minimize our pain. More often than not, we find relief in all the wrong places.

Perhaps its my simple mindedness, but In all of my heart, and I am no scholar, I believe God made sure not only my brokenness but all of humanity's brokenness can be found in the bloodline of Jesus. This is our Creator’s way of saying I accept you. I accept all of your baggage. As a matter of fact, you are no surprise to me. I have loved you from the beginning of the world and I am the one who formed you in your mother’s womb. There is nothing that has the power to remove you from my Great Love. I have over-come your “humanness”[your actions, reactions, perceptions, of being human, the embodiment of overwhelming emotion].

I have called you out as my very own. Come and let me show you my love; just as you are, right where you are. Because, I have loved you first through my son, Jesus Christ, who gave of Himself, that you might come to know my Love.

Let My Love blanket your brokenness and show you what Love really means.

Father, help me to love myself through understanding your Great love for me. Help me see my brokenness as a path to Salvation found by having a relationship with Jesus. Thank you, for your faithfulness. You are so good to me and Your love is like no other. In Jesus Name I pray Amen!

I encourage everyone to please read the bible for themselves and allow it to speak to them personally. The scriptures are rich with wisdom and full of grace.

Scriptures:

1 John 4:19 NIV “We love because he first loved us”

Jeremiah 1:5 NLT "I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations."

Psalms 139:13 HCSB “For it was You who created my inward parts; You knit me together in my mother's womb”.

Galatians 1:4 DBT “who gave himself for our sins, so that he should deliver us out of the present evil world, according to the will of our God and Father”

Resurrection Power Lives in me, so what am I resurrecting?

www.thesomethingshineyjourney.com Discovering Something Shiney

I was in the shower this morning when these words rose up from on the inside of me and out of my mouth came, “resurrection power lives on the inside of me. So, what am I resurrecting?”

Naturally, I am talking to myself. I know for some that seems a bit strange but it has become second nature to me. None the less, those words have stayed in my heart all day and when I went to church this morning the message was “Blessed are the Peacemakers.” Of course, at first it doesn’t seem like much of a fit but when I gave it some more thought I knew the Holy Spirit was fast at work trying to teach my soul the importance of prospering in the midst of this truth.

From the shower to the worship service, and then to the message I can say our words are so powerful!. What comes out of our mouth matters to what our ears hear. In other words, we believe more of what we say to ourselves than what others say to us. “Blessed are the Peacemakers,” Is what I am saying or doing creating peace in my life? Is it resurrecting peace? because I have resurrection power living on the inside of me.

So, if you are settling for frustration, strife, indecision, and “peace” is as far away from you as the moon. Then, I would suggest you examine your heart and ask God, “what am I resurrecting?” Now if you choose to do this, I want you to expect an answer and when the Holy Spirit reveals to you the truth about “you,” then be ready to face it head on, because Peacemakers do not run from conflict, they do not appease, and they do not accuse.

I encourage you do not be an accuser and I do not mean an accuser of others. What I mean is do not waste time accusing yourself of anything less than what Christ died to give you. In other words, hateful words filling your mind is not okay. Resurrect Peace inside your mind by opening up your mouth. Say out loud to yourself, “I am the righteousness of Christ my Lord.” If what your mind is telling you in negative, then say out loud something positive and keep doing it until the negative message fades away.

I encourage you do not appease your flesh by giving into its subtle demands for attention. The “I wants” that invade every good thing God has in store for you with suggestions like “I’m too tired” or “it can wait.” You get the picture. Resurrect Peace in the midst of your pain by allowing the Holy Spirit to guide you throughout the day with every decision you make, with every thought you have because resurrection power lives on the inside of you. Don’t waste time by resurrecting failure when you have triumph waiting to explode from inside of you.

I encourage you do not avoid conflict because change can only come through the vessel of conflict. There is a boldness living on the inside of you that is ready to face everything that has come to steal, kill, and destroy in your life. Resurrect peace by confronting every single thing that comes to rob you of it. .It is okay to be the one to say sorry first. it is okay to be the one that admits wrong doing, even if you are not wrong. This is the way to resurrect peace in the middle of a disagreement. You have the power to be the first to resurrect peace in the midst of strife. Now, go and practice that. You got this because He’s got you!

Choose peace above all else, especially, in your homes, because peace like charity begins behind closed doors where no one can see. So I encourage you to open up the flood gates of fellowship with a loving Father, let joy rule over your life by allowing the resurrection power that is living on the inside of you to make you free from the opinions of others and resurrect all that you have lost.

James 3:18 The Message “and those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness.

I encourage you to take for yourself what you can from this message and not forget it: meditate on it. Ask God to send you the teacher, the Holy Spirit and if you haven’t accepted Christ as your Lord and Savior it is as easy as asking Him into your heart. Trust me He goes where no one else will. If you knock He will open the door.

And if you know Him already, I want you to understand that you are resurrecting something in your life, because His power is in you. The question is, “What are you resurrecting?” Is it the old nature who was buried with Him through baptism. The one full of frustration and strife or is it the new nature fulfilling the prophesy of truth; Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, Faithfulness, and Self-control. Like Romans 6:4 says “ We therefore were buried with Him through baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may walk in newness of life.” Let each of us learn how to resurrect the fullness of the fruits of the Holy Spirit in our lives every single moment of every single day.

Thank you Holy Spirit for bringing this message from the shower into full fruition through the worship and message I received today at Ocean Church, Cape Coral with Pastor Josh Hall. I appreciate the church in ways I can hardly express and look forward to all that God is doing! Now, teach me to live a resurrected life in Christ by always being mindful of what I am resurrecting in my life. Thank you Jesus for being the way the truth and the life and for giving me a teacher, “the Holy Spirit” to see the promises of who you are in me, be fulfilled… Amen

Discovering Something Shiney

Is a place where the word becomes a part of our hearts, it renews our mind and it strengthens our soul.

How do we experience joy when our circumstances are screaming “pain” or peace when the world around us is full of ciaos? There is only one place I know of and I found at the bottom of a pit called, my life. It was God’s word who rescued me. It came to life in ways that words can only attempt to explain and yet here I am, in every effort to use what God has given me to share with a hurt and broken world, Jesus is real and He is love, in its purest form.

I used to think God saved me from some terrible relationship I was in but He really saved me from myself. He is no respecter of men, what He does for one, He will do for another. So, I invite you to come and see what God has done.